


(Is this) The life she wanted

by AlannaGuerrero



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-23
Updated: 2016-06-23
Packaged: 2018-07-16 20:06:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7282888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlannaGuerrero/pseuds/AlannaGuerrero





	(Is this) The life she wanted

Sometimes, when he is lying next to her, asleep and softly snoring, she wonders if this is all there is to life.

 

She doesn't miss Krum or the fantasies of things that could have come from him, but she does wonder, if, perhaps, she had made the right choice, not in life, but for herself.

 

She had done what she was sure was _the right thing_ while working for the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures; house-elves needed better conditions even if they didn't want them. Dobby had taught her that. Perhaps even Kreacher, his horrible existence a proof of what could happen to a being when it's tortured and mistreated during his whole existence, eventually learning to enjoy his torture. No, she had done right for them, even if, like when she was at Hogwarts, no one, even the elves, seemed happy with it.

 

She had fought for the centaurs too, even if she didn't agree with their starry eyed approach to life.

 

She had fought and won many battles for magical creatures around them, even if the name was stuck and her proposed alternatives of Sentient beings or Non human beings, were easily rejected as the way things were. Still, she had done good things. The right things. And when she felt things couldn't be moved any further from that point on, she had gone to Magical law enforcement, to do more of those things. Because she was good at them, because someone had to do them, because it was worth it.

 

(And maybe, just maybe, sometimes she had the sneaking thought that doing them made her worthy.)

 

And she's not dissatisfied with ther life, not really.

She does love Ron and her children. Her job is something she likes, and it makes a difference in the world they live in. She has family and even if she still doesn't have that many friends it's not really her fault, is it?

 

Only, sometimes she thinks it is. She was in love with Ron when she was a teenager and it just kept rolling on from there. It seemed highschool sweethearts were usual in this world, and if somehow all those couples worked out, so why wouldn't they?

And if maybe they kept arguing about where to live and how often to see his family it was just as well, because it just made them more real, somehow, more of a couple. Because things were only perfect in fairytales and that was mostly because so many things were left out. So arguments and making up made it all mean something.

 

Except sometimes she just wanted to sit near a fire with Crookshanks, reading a book in silence and that wasn't something they could  _do_ together, could they?

And what if he wanted to play Quidditch with his brothers and others from Hogwarts during their weekly dinners at the Burrow, he  _is_ allowed to do things that please him as well, isn't he?

But things changed when they had Rose.

She hadn't been sure about that name, but Ron had sugested it and even used the idea they could have their kids use their initials as well, and because she was so sure she didn't want another child, ever, she had thought it would be nice to please him with the name. Make him happy with this at least.

 

Except she still didn't like the name. And then she got pregnant again and had to find a name with an H to go with his idea, and Harry, truthfully was out of the question. 

(And not because of the Luna thing, of course. She's more mature than that. Even if she doesn't really get why it suddenly became so relevant to Harry to have Luna recalled in his very own child, and not Hermione herself. Luna, who was not with them from the start and until the end; Luna, who somehow means more that she has come to mean. But she only thinks those thoughts when she's really tired and Ron is sleeping, so of course none of it has any relevance to the fact that she's still looking for another H name.)

She finds Hugo and she thinks it's great. It's not as plain as Rose or Ron, but then again neither is Hermione.

 _Herself or the name?_ , she wonders.

And she deals with it. She prepares, she nests.

She even spins little stories in her mind for when Hugo will be here so she could tell them to him as he grows up.

Only he doesn't hear them. Or listen, she no longer knows.

 

She only knows that they, even though they are, aren't hers.

Not really.

Not Ron, Hugo or Rose. Not Harry.

Everyone has moved on, to fulfill their childhood dreams it seems, to make their lives happy and brimming full.

Except for her, because she skipped over being a child with dreams and when straight into being a person with aspirations, with ideas, with records and goals. And now she really doesn't know if she will ever be what she wanted or if she is just what she is supposed to be.

(And next, Hugo will be gone too, with his dreams and affinity for Quiddditch and love for his father, and he won't ever be hers again.)

Even Ron, with his supposed loved and devotion, still falls for the Veelas, still  _likes_ them, and she can't help compare herself to them. Because even with all his disdain for Viktor and his jealousy-as-means-to-show-love, he doesn't look at her like that. And Harry doesn't fall for their charm, so she knows it can be done, so maybe he is simply dissatisfied with her, perhaps as much as she is with him, and isn't that just sad?

So young, so much time-

 

She yawns once, sleep hitting her eagerly, maybe her own body refuses to think about it.

"Maybe I can try..." is her last thought before falling asleep.

 


End file.
